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nonpareil - reita/uruha - oneshot

Title: Nonpareil
Rating: PG
Pairings: Reita/Uruha (Gazette)
Genre: romance, angst, AU
Disclaimers: standard disclaimers apply, unfortunately.
Summary: "Will you miss me when I'm gone?"
Word Count: 1,129
Notes: ohshit, I wrote Gazette fanfic again. this is a sequel/side piece/whatever to Human Error, which I wrote forever and a day ago and never really planned to continue in any way, but here it is. it's pretty short. if you thought that one was too sad, you might want to pass this one over, just a warning.






They had skipped class again, ducking out after their first class and wandering through the expansive fields that fanned out from the edge of town until Uruha was satisfied they were far enough from civilization, and he laid down among the thick sprays of flowers in full bloom, closing his eyes against the bright white glare of the sunlight. It was warm, and the breeze that whipped the long strands of grass around him was pleasant; the air was fresh and clean and didn’t taste of smoke and pollution and city, only of summer and sea and playing baseball in the backyard and sweet kisses and childhood, and he breathed it in deeply, relishing in the calm he felt. Like a dream, he knew it would fade only too soon, but he could savor what he had now.

The grass rustled at a movement beside him, and he turned his head, cracking one eye open to peer at Reita, who was gazing up at the brilliant blue sky, shielding his eyes with one hand, his skin bathed in the golden glow of the sun. He looked over at Uruha, the corners of his lips pulled into a tiny smile.

“What?” Uruha said, chuckling, after a few moments. “What are you looking at?”

“Kouyou,” the other boy began.

“That’s my name.”

“When I’m gone...” Reita said hesitantly, but he didn’t get any further than that; Uruha, his easy humor gone, cut him off briskly.

“Quit it. Don’t say that,” he demanded. “I’d better never hear you start a sentence with those words again.”

Reita didn’t answer, and went back to watching the sky, and Uruha went back to watching him; in the warm, lustrous light of the sun, Reita fairly gleamed, his pale silhouette sharply defined against the vivid green of the grass and the purple and blue clouds of lavender suspended over their heads. His eyes, dark, sunken, shadowed, reflected the jewel-like blue of the sky, and yet they never reflected the merest hint of what he truly thought; his pink lips, still smiling, never betrayed anything of his true feelings toward Uruha. “When I’m gone...” he tried again.

“Dammit,” Uruha said softly to himself.

Reita took a deep breath, his eyelids fluttering, and he closed them. “...Will you miss me?” He finished, his voice little more than a whisper, insubstantial as the breeze that flitted around them, whipping Uruha’s hair into his face, rippling through the grass, and then gone. Uruha found Reita’s hand in his own and he squeezed, his own long fingers wrapping easily around Reita’s slender ones, and he felt cold despite the sun, calm despite the hammering of his heart against his chest.

“You’re still here,” He said firmly, equally as quiet as Reita, a million times less calm.

“I won’t always be.”

“But you are now.”

Reita opened his eyes, squinting, then gazing up into the clear, cloudless sky. “Will you miss me?” he began again, deadly quiet, his hand hot, burning in Uruha’s grasp. He looked so tired, Uruha thought; small, but strong, alive, vibrant. Amazing.

“I already do,” Uruha answered.

“I’m not gone yet,” Reita breathed.

“You will be.”

There was a quiet, quieter even than Reita’s words, longer and deeper and heavier than anything Uruha had ever known. He squeezed Reita’s hand in his tighter, the heat of Reita’s skin almost hurting, rippling through him to his core, warmer by far than the sunlight that fell on them both in waves of heat. He turned again to look at the other boy; his bleached hair splayed against the ground, a stark contrast to the striking colors of the foliage around him, his face all white skin and sharp bones, dark eyes like drips of ink on a sheet of paper. He seemed beautiful, far too beautiful. Brilliant, like the sun, too bright for Uruha to stare at, and he looked away.

“Kouyou,” Reita repeated his name, still smiling, Uruha could hear it in his tone. “Will you,” he said slowly, his voice muted but so strong Uruha thought he would drown in it, each word resounding with his racing heart. “Miss me,” Reita went on, his fingers finding their way out of Uruha’s grasp and interlocking with them, his touch lighter than a mist, barely there. Uruha gripped his hand tighter, as if to keep him from dissolving away right there, as if it were possible. “When I’m gone?” he finished finally, the question an eternity, Uruha’s answer even longer in coming to his lips.

He stared up at the sky, and the glaring light of the sun blinded him, his eyes tearing. “Yes,” He answered, his voice so quiet and weak he didn’t even know if Reita could hear him over the rush of the wind gusting around them, a flurry of flower petals rising on the breeze like a cloud, swirling and eddying as it whipped through the fields.

Peaceful, warm and content, he held Reita's hand, and he closed his eyes.



“Kouyou.”



He opened his eyes.

“Kouyou, are you almost ready to go?”

Uruha stared at the ceiling, his vision blurred. His mother’s voice came again from the doorway. “Your classmates are waiting. Come on.”

He nodded, and heard her shut the bedroom door, and he sat up on his bed. He wiped his eyes on a corner of the bedsheet, blinking as his bedroom slowly came back into focus. He stood then, and went to the mirror, rubbing his eyes with cold, clammy hands.

His shirt was a wrinkled mess, but he didn’t care much. He straightened it out as best he could, and then fixed his tie, which had come loose, before donning a black suit jacket, buttoning it up the front. He could feel his heart still hammering in his chest, and when he closed his eyes, he could almost still feel the heat of the sun he’d felt in his dream, almost still feel his fingers aching from squeezing them too hard. Almost remember what Reita’s smile looked like.

He went to the window, breathing deeply, feeling calm. His fingers were steady as he unlocked the latch and opened the window, letting the warm summer breeze wash over him, clean and fresh, blowing his hair back out of his face, the sunlight pouring through the glass warming his skin. His classmates were gathered in front of the house, his parents waiting by the car parked at the curb, waiting on him, a crowd of people clad in black, but Uruha didn’t look at them. He turned his face up toward the sky, as blue as the ocean and endlessly as vast, unmarred by a single cloud, the sun so bright it nearly blinded him. He smiled.

Then he shut the window and exited the room, closing the door softly behind himself.





~

writing this took a lot out of me, but I had to do it.


Tags:

Comments

( 31 âmes — sell )
jyusou
Nov. 2nd, 2009 05:50 am (UTC)
Oh my gawd 80 I thought you had quit JRock completely by this point omfg...cool!

But that was wonderfully sad and refreshing, and I really loved the way you described the sun and the fresh air; it was so crisp. I was surprised though that you didn't post something Reita/Ruki though after such a long time - I'm pretty sure that's your favourite.

Anyway though, thanks for writing and sharing ^_____^ ♥.
sani
Nov. 2nd, 2009 06:11 am (UTC)
I had kind of planned on quitting, but I was thinking about a lot of things today and I just felt I wanted to write this. Human Error was a fic very close to my heart, for obvious reasons, and so is this one. I can't say for sure I'll be writing anything else in the jrock fandom, though.

I'm glad you liked it, though, and thank you for the comment. :)
animalyears
Nov. 2nd, 2009 08:59 pm (UTC)
:(
you write beautifully. <3
sani
Nov. 2nd, 2009 09:18 pm (UTC)
Thank you. :)
sugfan
Nov. 2nd, 2009 10:49 pm (UTC)
DX DX DX
I nearly cried while reading this You write so damn beautifully.
sani
Nov. 3rd, 2009 12:50 am (UTC)
Thank you... and, er, sorry D:
bauci
Nov. 2nd, 2009 10:50 pm (UTC)
I was talking to my friend the other night how sometimes, rarely, but sometimes fics make me cry. I cried when I read Human error and I'm crying right now.
Gorgeous, vivid, and cut me like glass.

I loved it. Please write them again, even if you only make me cry.
sani
Nov. 3rd, 2009 12:55 am (UTC)
admittedly, I cried when I wrote this... because it's a very personal subject to me. but I don't expect it to affect other people in the same way, so if it did, I must be doing something right...

never mind, if that doesn't make sense. thank you for taking the time to read it :)
n3uromanc3r
Nov. 3rd, 2009 12:19 am (UTC)
it was so beautiful, thank you very much!
sani
Nov. 3rd, 2009 12:56 am (UTC)
I should be thanking you for such a lovely comment. :)
black_fenrir
Nov. 3rd, 2009 02:44 am (UTC)
that's sad also touching
how u wrote this beautifully!
loves it <3
thanks for writing!
sani
Nov. 3rd, 2009 07:44 am (UTC)
thank you for reading! I'm glad you liked it. :)
hara_emi
Nov. 3rd, 2009 03:45 am (UTC)
Human error relly was such a beautiul fic, and this fic really brought up a wave of nostalgia. It's crazily bittersweet the way Reita and Uruha met and how they parted, the memories so vivid. The images of the 1st scene in the sun and grass all around is totally burnt into my mind.

I thought you had completely stopped writing Gazefiction! I was so glad to see this update, your works have aways been amazing and I haven't read anyone with a similar writing style to yours ever. Thanks so much for sharing this with us<3 ^^
sani
Nov. 3rd, 2009 08:07 am (UTC)
I'm really glad you liked it, and that you remembered the first one, too - I thought for sure that no one would remember me, but I like being proven wrong once in a while :3

I had sort of stopped for a while - I had a lot going on, and for a time I had just forgotten why I even liked writing fanfiction. I don't know if I'll write more, but I think I'd like to... thank you so much for this lovely, lovely comment, and for taking the time to read. :)
hara_emi
Nov. 3rd, 2009 08:30 am (UTC)
Haha! Well, I hope you can find the joy in writing fiction again! Really, I'd get all excited everytime you update =) But no pressure, and I should be thanking you for wriiting despite all the odds ^^
gaixo
Nov. 3rd, 2009 07:43 am (UTC)
I've missed your fics. I don't know if I've ever commented on your writings properly, but you're one of my favourite authors and... I've just missed your stories. They have this special feeling to them, something you can't find from other people's work.

This one's a beauty, just like Human Error. Heartbreaking, but beautiful all the same.

Peaceful, warm and content, he held Reita's hand, and he closed his eyes.
I love that part. Despite its sadness, it made me feel somehow warm and content too, as did the whole fic.

Thanks a lot for this. I'm glad to see you back, if only for this one piece.
sani
Nov. 3rd, 2009 08:14 am (UTC)
wow... you flatter me! I never know how to respond to such amazing comments. Although this piece is short, I put a lot of heart into it, so I'm very happy to hear you liked it. I very much appreciate your taking the time to read and comment on it. :)
reila13
Nov. 5th, 2009 01:41 am (UTC)
omg i'm crying ;____;
thanks ;O;
sani
Nov. 20th, 2009 12:33 pm (UTC)
sorry D:
but thanks for reading.
feelthefalling
Nov. 6th, 2009 11:31 pm (UTC)
choked up... meming this too.
sani
Nov. 20th, 2009 12:33 pm (UTC)
thank you.
kawasakininja
Nov. 19th, 2009 01:54 pm (UTC)
I'll have to comment later. When I stop crying.
kawasakininja
Nov. 19th, 2009 10:56 pm (UTC)
This has left me in a broken mess this afternoon. I don't like death fics. I don't read them usually. But this one, after rereading the previous story I just had to read this one too. The previous story didn't leave much hope but at least it ended halfway. I knew Reita didn't have many months to live but at least he did have some months to live. I didn't think he'll miraculously get better but despite of that I I had to see how does their story end, knowing it might be too much. But I loved the way you've written it. Two of them using the time that they have left to enjoy it to the fullest. In a field, away from everything, under the warm sun. At least I am glad Reita had Uruha to make him live in the end, instead of just hide and wait for death to come. Your descriptions of it were so lovely. And this one especially in the warm, lustrous light of the sun, Reita fairly gleamed, his pale silhouette sharply defined against the vivid green of the grass and the purple and blue clouds of lavender suspended over their heads. The colors, so much colors there, and Reita, stark white against all that. The contrast between them, just strikes me.

And their conversation, doesn't surprise me Reita would be asking that, but those six sentences, how they completely switch roles, half way. Convincing each other? I don't know what to think. And I don't know what else to say. I know it ends how it is supposed to end and Uruha is accepting it and finding comfort in good memories, thought of Reita but I still find it so so sad and heartbreaking and unreasonably asking why did he have to die.
sani
Nov. 20th, 2009 12:46 pm (UTC)
gosh. where do I even start replying to this comment. thanks for reading, I'm really pleased to hear you liked it. writing this one short piece took a lot out of me, and I didn't even plan on posting it at first, but I'm glad I did in the end, if it really touched even one person. I don't really like to read or write death fics, truthfully. but this one is more of a post-death fic, I guess. the hope is what I was really trying to get through - a different kind of hope than was at the end of the previous fic, this one was more about closure and moving on, something that took me over a year to find for myself, so it was not easy trying to recreate the feeling of it. I'm glad if even a little bit of that got through.

erm. as I read back over this comment, it doesn't make much sense, but the gist of what I'm saying is thank you for reading (and commenting) and I'm glad to know that something of what I was feeling when I wrote it got through in the end. and I'm sorry to have made you cry D:
kawasakininja
Nov. 20th, 2009 12:50 pm (UTC)
Oh, it makes a lot of sense. I really like the additional insight from your reply. No need to be sorry for making me cry, it is good to cry, it felt liberating. Thank you.
xenocia
Nov. 21st, 2009 02:24 am (UTC)
Hah. This is going to be weird, but since I know you played FFVIII (which is one of the reasons I decided to read these two anyway), I'm going to say it. Your opening makes me think of two different scenes. First was one of the grass whistle scenes in FF Tactics. There's just this air of peace and serenity, implicit understanding, and depth to it that makes me think strongly of it. Being in a field probably helps too :D Second, I thought of Rinoa in the field, but mostly just for the descriptive portions of it.

Either way though, it was lovely. My favorite part had to be this one:


“You’re still here,” He said firmly, equally as quiet as Reita, a million times less calm.

“I won’t always be.”

“But you are now.”

Reita opened his eyes, squinting, then gazing up into the clear, cloudless sky. “Will you miss me?” he began again, deadly quiet, his hand hot, burning in Uruha’s grasp. He looked so tired, Uruha thought; small, but strong, alive, vibrant. Amazing.

“I already do,” Uruha answered.

“I’m not gone yet,” Reita breathed.

“You will be.”


I really enjoyed the repetition of it, the need and truth you feel from both sides. And I'll say this now, the way you concluded this was wonderful. It felt complete and it felt like closure.

If there was anything that bothered me about reading this two fics (and by bother I really mean just a tiny niggling in the back of the mind), I'd have to say it's the giving up. I can understand fully why someone would; I lost an aunt to breast cancer some few years ago and chemo was terrible, but I still can't say I approve of the lack of fight. I just very much dislike passivity I suppose. I do understand lung cancer is pretty much a death sentence though. Like I said, I understand it in this particular story, it's just a message that I really dislike. Not that it really ruined the story for me at all - I didn't even think about it til I skimmed over ninja's comment. Eh, I'm just rambling now D:

Moving on, it was beautifully wrought and thank you for sharing it with us.

*scuttles off to read the ff story*
sani
Nov. 24th, 2009 01:08 am (UTC)
you know, I had never thought of either of those scenes when writing this, but now that you've mentioned it, I definitely see the resemblance (especially to the one in FFVIII, with the flowers and all.) I have a thing with fields. I use them a lot in my writing, but I never really thought about why. there's something very dream-like about it, I think.

I was surprised that no one ever brought up Reita's giving up, in either of the two fics. I always thought that would be something that would bother more people, to be honest. I myself am a very passive person, and I wrote these two pieces from my own personal experience, so Reita ended up with a lot of my apathy. it actually bothers me quite a bit when people (mostly those who don't know any better) portray cancer patients as these sort of brave, saintly heroes, when in reality most people faced with that kind of situation will just close their eyes and pretend nothing's wrong. (that's not to say that there aren't extremely brave and amazing people out there beating the odds; it's just that not everyone is like that.) I guess what I wanted to do was make Reita more "real" - more like I was - not exactly running away, but not really doing anything to help himself, either. it's something that someone who had never been through it would never understand. and, uh, now I'm rambling >_>

thank you for the comment, in any case. I'm glad you liked my story. :)
xenocia
Nov. 24th, 2009 01:27 am (UTC)
That's completely understandable. I didn't mean to be so obtuse in my comment and now that I'm reading it over, I'm freaking out a little bit over it D:

I'm sorry if I offended you at all. I always feel weird about commenting on personal pieces. I guess it's because I work in a clinic now that passivity bothers me more than it should. It's difficult to see.
sani
Nov. 24th, 2009 02:20 am (UTC)
I'm not offended. everyone has to deal with things their own way, is what I was trying to say, I think. I got a lot of shit from people I knew who had never had any experience with something like cancer or been close to someone who had, because they had this idea that I should be fighting and courageous and optimistic about my situation, and they were pissed off that I wasn't. that's just a personal example, but I see a lot of stereotypical stories about all kinds of situations, that I think, no matter how good a writer, there comes a point where you can't really know how to describe something unless you've been through it. not everyone takes a situation the same way. when people get preachy about stuff like "this is how a cancer patient should act!" is when it starts to bug me.

well... if that makes any sense... my point, I suppose, is that everyone's entitled to their own opinions on things. a lot of people dislike passivity, but that doesn't mean there won't be passive people out there. I'm always wary about posting personal pieces - this one, particularly - because I feel like someone's bound to be offended by my opinion. I'm not trying to force it on anyone, I'm just writing a story, and it seems like some people don't understand the difference. anyway, I digress - your comment was perfectly fine. it made me really have to think to reply, which I enjoy. :)
quarrions
Nov. 21st, 2009 10:26 am (UTC)
oh, god I shouldn´t be reading this in the library when there are so many people around, espceially when I am supposed to be writting an essay
fuck...you made me cry ..you are the first one
:(

but, oh, again this was too good not to be read
k435y
Nov. 26th, 2009 06:12 am (UTC)
That's just...so...sad. >___<;;
I'm sorry. I don't know what to say. =/
But it was beautiful.
Thank you for sharing. =)
( 31 âmes — sell )